How to Be Inappropriate
by LadyFoxy
Summary: Hidan in a series of frenzy: pink nail polish, harrassment & more. A Collection of Oneshots; Humor, Fluffs and Lemons. SPIN-OFF from An Unexpected Reunion.
1. Pimps & Hoes

Author's Note:

Hi everybody! I'm so excited to post up a new story. It's actually just a spin-off from my 'series'/stories, "_An Unexpected Reunion_" and "_Perfect Stranger_".

If you haven't read them, I would suggest you to do so, just to get to know my OCs better.

This is going to be a collection of oneshots; funny ones, fluffs and of course, lemons.

These are meant to be short and silly, so I hope you guys can have fun reading it!

Enjoy!

* * *

"Hidan-danna, could you kindly look after Himaru today? There's a parent teacher conference at his school today and I'm attending." Kiyomi pursed her lips and asked.

Hidan scowled at her teasingly, "Since when don't I ever look after him? Of course, go!"

Delighted with his spontaneous generosity, she kissed him on the cheek before she headed out the door with her purse, "Don't be bad influence to him!" She added before the slamming the door shut.

Hidan rolled his eyes. Hmph, why does she always assume that he's a bad father?

_Well then, if she thinks so…_

"I'm gonna take you out for the afternoon, since your mom's gone," Hidan suggested, "So get into your shoes, we're picking up your uncle first."

"You mean GOD-Daddy." Himaru enunciated the word crystal clear.

Hidan gritted his teeth, "Yeah, sure, whatever."

"Oi, 'kuzu!" Hidan kicked open his hotel door.

Himaru cheered behind him, "Wow, that's so kick-butt!"

"What do you want?" Kakuzu glared up at the two albinos.

"Hi, Goddaddy!" Himaru waved, enthusiastically.

_Oh, this is not good._

"Let's go out for a stroll together," Hidan said, innocently, "It's such a prettyiful day."

"Haha, daddy!" Himaru snorted, "There's no such word as 'prettiful'. It's either 'pretty' or 'beautiful', you dumb-dumb!"

Hidan smacked him on the head before pulling Kakuzu off his chair, "Let's go."

"Goddamn it." Kakuzu growled.

"Hey, don't mention that dude's name under Jashin-sama's sight!" Hidan scolded.

"Where are we going?" Himaru asked, looking up at his dad.

"Oooh, somewhere!" Hidan whistled.

Himaru squeaked excitedly, "A field trip, yay!" One of his little hands held on to Hidan's and the other with Kakuzu, swinging them as he skipped.

Kakuzu clucked his tongue. Oh boy, this is gonna be a long ride.

* * *

Kakuzu sighed wistfully when they arrived at their destination: a whorehouse.

"Seriously?" He glared at Hidan, who had a triumphant smirk on his face.

The albino grinned and threw his arms out, "Himaru, this place has the best afternoon tea! Come on and sit down with your uncle there and I…" He gave Kakuzu a shady nod, "I will get serviced on my own."

"Why?" Himaru asked, sitting down at a table, placing the napkin on his nap neatly, "Are you like a VIP and have your own lounge? That's so cool. But sooo unfair that you aren't inviting me and Goddaddy Kakuzu."

"I don't mind at all." Kakuzu muttered, taking a seat next to the boy.

"Oh see, daddy?" Himaru giggled, "Goddaddy is jealous! Invite us to come with you!"

"No." Hidan shook his head, walking away from them.

Jogging up the stairs to where the brothel really was, he waved at a familiar face first in sight, "Hey Sayoko!"

The woman spun around in surprise, hugging Hidan instantly, "Hidan-danna! You haven't visited in such a long time." She emphasized on the 'long'.

Hidan chuckled and gave her a nice spank, "No shit, come on, let's get us a room."

'Where's your conscience, Hidan' a thought popped up in his mind, 'Your son is downstairs in a house full of prostitutes'. Shaking himself mentally, he tugged on the whore's wrist and trotted to the nearest, unoccupied room. "Okay, do what you want." Hidan lay on the bed, urging Sayoko to take control and flirt with him.

Walking towards him with swaying hips, she licked her lips, "Gladly."

* * *

A waiter served them tea as Himaru and Kakuzu sat downstairs in the lobby. Taking a sip of hot tea, Himaru peeked at his Godfather. He didn't seem happy!

And what's a kickbutt boy to do when his friend is upset? Cheer him up, duh!

"Oh, Goddaddy Kakuzu," Himaru hummed, "I can totally picture you when you're working. Wanna see me pretend to be you?"

Kakuzu shrugged, "Whatever, kid."

A skimpily dressed prostitute passed by their table and Himaru raised a hand, practically hollering, "Yo, where ma' money at, bitch?!"

Kakuzu nearly choked on his cup of tea.

The prostitute spun around and spotted little Himaru. A smile spread across her heavy-layered make-up filled face, "Oh, how cute. Kakuzu-danna, is he your…"

Kakuzu quickly shook his head in denial.

Himaru snapped his fingers, "Oh, listen up you ho! Goddaddy Kakuzu is a pimp! Now where's my money?"

The prostitute did not flinch or frown at all, instead she threw her head back and laughed heartily, "He must be Hidan-danna's then. He's like a mini-clone of him!"

"You shut your piehole," Himaru thrust his index finger out towards her, "Only my mama gets to call him 'Hidan-danna'. You suck."

The woman's eyes widened, but still an amused smile on her face, "How cute. Where's your mother then? Why would she let your uncle and father bring you to this sort of place?"

"What sort of place?" Himaru tilted his head, asking confusedly. Weren't they just grabbing a cup of tea and enjoying afternoon snack since Mama's away?

"A brothel, silly." The prostitute answered, ruffling his hair.

Rudely, Himaru smacked her hand away, "What?"

"You heard me, you're in a brothel. Prostitution, duh. Well, I guess you're a teeny bit too young to know about that." The woman smirked.

Grrr! Who did this whore think she was? Of course he knew the word 'brothel'!

"Goddaddy," He slammed his little palm on the table, demanding, "Why are we here?"

"Your dad wants to…" Kakuzu shrugged, "Um, talk about some business."

"Shit!" The little albino snarled, standing up abruptly from the table.

_Oh no, oh no! Daddy is probably wrestling with another lady upstairs in his VIP lounge!_

_That's going to break Mama's heart! He will only let Daddy wrestle Mommy!_

_Nobody else! He must stop them!_

"Kid, calm down. Sit down." Kakuzu rubbed his temples, trying to get the boy to stop curling his hands into fists. The boy's violet eyes were shooting daggers towards the prostitute as if she owed him a huge amount of money. "Himaru," Kakuzu tried again, "Don't glare at people. Now be a good boy and sit down."

"If it weren't for my mama's sake," Himaru pouted his lips, "I would have my goddaddy here cut you up, you meanie woman!" Ignoring his uncle's words, he dashed up the stairs and began banging on all the doors.

"Daddy! Daddy!" Himaru yelled

Hidan was currently being straddled by Sayoko as she kissed him on the collarbone, leaving her hot pink lipstick on his skin. Hearing his son's innocent yet spoiled hollering, Hidan shifted uncomfortably.

"Daddy!" Himaru wailed again, this time knocking on the right door.

"Uhh…what?" Hidan couldn't help himself by acting fatherly. Right.

"I wanna go home now, Daddy!" Himaru pounded his fist hard on the wooden door.

Hidan began to sit up. Sayoko pushed him down by the neck and pressed her plump lips against his, murmuring between the passionless kiss, "Awe, come'on, Hidan. I gotta get some kind of 'income', don't I?"

"Erm, you can go read some books and teach kids." Hidan pushed her away, causing her to land back onto the mattress. It was the same exact moment Himaru burst his way into the door. Seeing the scene in front of him made the boy gasp dramatically.

"How could you, Daddy?" Himaru burst out in tears, "How could you, how could you…" He began punching his father's stomach with his own little fists, "You cheated on mama, how could you! You suck! How could you do that to mama?!You are going to get STD and die!"

_Wow. Did private schools teach Grade 1s' sex ed already?! Sheesh!_

Arriving at the door, Kakuzu folded his arms across his chest, shaking his head.

Hidan stood there dumbly, speechless, allowing his son hit him again and again. Kakuzu frowned and blinked at Hidan, wanting him to do something to stop the child's crying.

"Himaru, look," Hidan grabbed his little aggressive hands and bent down, so he was at the same eye level as him. Steadying both his hands on Himaru's shoulders, he continued, "Look, I didn't cheat on your mom."

"B---But you were on the same bed with that whore." Himaru hiccupped as tears still spilled down his rosy cheeks.

"I was just tucking her into bed," Hidan lied, sighing, "I'm sorry, okay?"

"No you're not!" Himaru stomped his foot angrily, "If you were tucking her in, why don't you read her a story? And why would you have her yucky lipstick on your neck and face? You are cuckolding!"

"Hey, where'd ya learn that vocabulary?" Hidan cackled.

"You're never serious!" Himaru shouted, "Just one day mama's busy and you and Goddaddy the Pimp take me to a whorehouse and you fuck a slut!"

"Himaru," Hidan warned, his grip on the boy's shoulders slightly tightened, "Your language."

Kakuzu's annoyance turned into amusement. Good thing he had his mask on and a stitched mouth to suppress himself from bursting into laughter. Seeing Hidan helpless like this was plain hilarious. Oh, and 'fuck a slut'? How in the world did a seven year old learn a term like that? But then again, if your father was Hidan, anything would be possible.

"Hey, little man," Sayoko sat up on the bed, her deep cleavage exposed, "I'm not a slut."

"Yeah you are!" Himaru snapped, "You will get STDs and die too! You home wrecker!"

The prostitute on the bed's face dropped guiltily, this time not defending herself.

"Now take me home, you cheating bastard!" Himaru hugged his father's thigh.

"You…" Hidan pursed his lips, reluctantly giving his son a pat on the shoulder.

Kakuzu could almost feel imaginary tears of laughter in his eyes.

_This little 'Hidan' will grow up to become someone extraordinary, that's for sure._

* * *

"Hey Himaru, how was your day with Daddy and Kakuzu-san?" Kiyomi asked, putting out the table cloth and plates, preparing dinner.

Himaru glared up at his father, who was pinching him on the shoulder, warning him not to mention anything about the trip to the whorehouse. The boy mumbled out his answer, "Daddy fucked a whor---"

Hidan clasped his palm over his son's mouth, muffling his words. Kiyomi glanced up suspiciously, "Himaru, did you just swear again? And Hidan, don't do that, he'll suffocate."

"Damn, sometimes I wish you'd just shut your little cakehole." Hidan whispered through his gritted teeth. He then let go of his son, ruffling his hair, "Haha, nah. Just me and him fooling around like usual."Kiyomi shot him an understanding smile, gesturing towards Kakuzu to take a seat at the dinner table.

Himaru stomped his little feet. Hmph, these adults weren't listening to him! Especially mama!

"Daddy screwed a whore!" He chanted, but the sound of the running water at the sink was louder. Kiyomi raised her eyebrows, turning off the tab.

"What did you say, Himaru?" She walked over to her son, rubbing his rosy cheeks.

The boy burst out into tears once again, sniffling and hiccupping his words, "…Daddy…f—he fu—a whore!"

"You're father is a whore?" Her perfectly arched brows knitted into a frown, "Himaru, I told you, don't talk like your dad. But I agree, your father is rather bad influence."

"And I agree that your father is a whore." Kakuzu raised a cup of tea at the boy.

"Hey! I'm not!" Hidan slammed his fist on the table, arguing, "I'm not a…whore!"

"Yuh-huh, you are." Himaru's crying had already stopped and he was now sticking his tongue out at the embarrassed Jashinist.

"Argh!" Hidan buried his face into his palms as he listened to all of them laugh.

At him.

His son, his friend and his lover were all calling him a whore.

Oh Jashin-sama!

"I won't die from STDs." Hidan murmured, digging his face into his palms, "I won't…I won't…I can't die from STDs!"

* * *

**A/N:**

**Hehe, sort of understand why the title now, right?**

**Sometimes I have the crudest mind…**

**Please tell me what you all think, should I continue? **

**Reviews will be very much appreciated!**


	2. Nail Polish Frenzy

Author's Note:

Wow, thank you guys for being so supportive about this spin-off!

I'll be updating An Unexpected Reunion on Friday, so before that, here's a new chapter of How to Be Inappropriate!

Please keep in mind that this is short and not meant to be very detailed.

* * *

It was around noon when Hidan, Kiyomi and their son, Himaru sat at the dining table, eating seaweed-wrapped riceballs.

Hidan was stuffing his lunch into his mouth while he noticed his son staring intently at his hands."What'cha looking at?" He said as he chewed with his mouth wide open, letting rice land on his chin. Kiyomi muttered something that had to do with manners and reached over her hand, wiping his face for him.

"Daddy," Himaru piped, his big lilac colored eyes sparkled in interest, "I'm wondering if you are a girl."

Hidan nearly choked on the riceball in his mouth, "What?! Is it because I'm sitting here swallowing balls?" Kiyomi smacked him on the arm.

Himaru blinked confusedly, "Uhhh, no, swallowing balls have nothing to do with being a woman."

"Oh really?" Hidan snickered licentiously. He received yet another smack from Kiyomi.

"I said!" Himaru pounded a fist on the table, displeased that his father wasn't being serious, "I said, I think you are a girl because you're wearing nail polish!"

It was Hidan's turn to slam a fist on the surface of the table, rattling the plates, "Listen up, kiddo. I know and seen some goth and emo kids that wear nail polish too. They're cool and I am too. Plus, my leader---" Kiyomi shot him a death glare.

Hidan coughed intentionally before continuing, "Err, I mean, my boss requires us to wear it…to raise our team spirit."

"Ohhh! Is Goddaddy Kakuzu your boss? He asks you to wear some nail polish because you are his whore and he's your pimp? Goddaddy Kakuzu sure does look like a pimp, with all that cash." Himaru nodded his head.

"Hey! Who the fuck taught you about pimps and hoes?!" Hidan snapped angrily.

Himaru stuck out his tongue as his answer, "I think you know. Daddy is also girly because you always look in the mirror and say that you're pretty."

"I do not! I was simply admiring my fine hair, handsome face and eyes. And sometimes my toned abs and spectacular…uh, bellybutton." Hidan retorted. He then tilted his head, reviewing his own words. Wait…he did quite value his extraordinary physical features.

Whatever, not everyone can be narcissistic with the actual amazing assets! His son is just jealous.

Kiyomi giggled, running her fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp, "I do find you quite attractive."

"I sure am." Hidan grinned proudly, pulling her over for a kiss on the cheek. Unconsciously glancing down at his nails, "Argh!" He groaned.

Kiyomi looked up nervously, "What's the matter?"

"Nothing, it's just that the nail polish chipped off…" His voice trailed off into a mutter, blinking at his fingertips, trying his best not to sound too whiney about it.

Kiyomi sighed, taking his hand into hers, examining his flawed nail. "It's not too bad, I can remove it and just simply put a new layer on."

Hidan then noticed her small delicate hands were also painted in the faintest shade of coral pink. He smiled, "I didn't know you do your nails too. We kind of match."

She blushed as he stroked the back of her hand with his rough finger. So he had paid attentions to her details! "I don't often. I do chores and cook, so they chip off easily---but I do have a collection of nail polish. And I just might have your color."

To be honest, she would never have purchased the bottle of dark forest green nail polish named 'Evergreen' if it weren't for Hidan---just in cased for situations like this.

Hidan grinned in appreciation, "Good for you, sweetcheeks."

"I'll go get my kit." She said before hurrying to the bedroom.

"I'm not a woman." Hidan hissed to his son.

Himaru stuck out his tongue again, "Sissy."

"I'm NOT." Hidan insisted, clenching his fists. He wondered why he was having this pointless debate with his seven year old son.

"But you even have your toenails painted." He pointed his finger under the table.

"It's the rules at work. I mean, some of my co-workers have purple! Like Deidara and Itachi."

"Ohh, are they whores too?" Himaru clapped his hands excitedly.

His father closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, "No, nobody is a whore. Stop talking about pimps and hoes for one second, please. You're seven."

"And you're girly."

Hidan shook his head, "Well, you should meet Deidara. You'll think he's a girl. I'm too masculine to even channel feminine. Sheesh." He did not want to continue this idiotic argument with him. It was a good thing Kiyomi reappeared to the kitchen moments later.

"Err…sweetcheeks, do you mind also removing the polish on my toes? According to our son, it's too whorish!"

Himaru's jaw dropped open, "No, mama! Daddy's a tattletale." He kicked his father's limb under the table, whispering mischievously, "And a girl."

Hidan glared at him in disbelief, then turned to face Kiyomi, his voice much more kindred, "Whatever. Please do whatever you gotta do, sweetcheeks." He then bowed his head politely, receiving an amused smile from her. At the same time, Hidan stepped on his son's foot, flashing him a triumphant grin as Kiyomi uncapped a bottle of transparent nail polish.

"Why the invisible color?" Hidan asked as she carefully brushed on a layer.

"The base color protects your nails." Kiyomi concisely explained with a smile.

"Konan never does that." Hidan mumbled.

Kiyomi stopped for a moment before continuing, her fingers trembling.

He had a female co-worker? How come he didn't mention that before? He even lets her paint his nails? Who was this 'Konan' to him?

Jealousy raced through her veins, as her hands' grip became tighter.

"Konan's just a friend, no worries. And she paints everyone's nails because that's one of her tasks." Hidan leaned over to kiss her forehead, "She's fucking my boss anyways."

Kiyomi huffed, continuing to do his nails. Her grip, however, softened.

"Mama, can I make your toenails pretty too?" Little Himaru pleaded, blinking his big violet eyes.

"Sure, honey." She agreed with a nod.

Hidan studied his Sweetcheeks' face as she focused on fixing his chipped nail polish. She was so concentrated and her brown eyes were flickering in almost…satisfactory. She was obviously having a good time helping him out with some 'malfunction'. So cute. He stroked his rough thumb on her smooth hand. She didn't look up, but smiled.

A few minutes later, Kiyomi capped the bottle back up and let go of his hand, "There!"

Hidan examined his freshly-coated nails and exclaimed, "Heck, you're so much gifted than Konan! She's only good at origami."

She blinked down at the ground, clearly upset that he mentioned 'that woman' again.

"She is!" Hidan insisted, "Not like you. You're good with nail-polish, cooking, chores, teaching manners and reading, and also good in bed! You're the best, sweetcheeks."

Looking up at him, he noticed that her cheeks were flushing pink.

"I am?" She pursed her lips, still self-conscious.

A toothy grin spread across Hidan's face, "Of cour---"

"Duh! Mama's the best! What does it take for you to understand, Daddy? How dare you compare her to other women!" Himaru interrupted and hugged his mother's waist from underneath the table, letting her burst out in laughter. "Mama, I'm done! Look at your toes! Yay, it's sooo pretty."

Kiyomi bent down so she could look at her toes and beamed, "Oh, Himaru! That's a beautiful color you picked out. I love it." Her son had chose a color called 'Flamingo Paradise', which was only slightly more light pink than her coral nails.

"Hmph." Hidan pouted aside, hating the fact that both his son and his lover were not giving him enough attention.

* * *

Sneaking into his Daddy and Mama's bedroom after making sure they were both asleep, Himaru took out the one bottle of nail polish he had previously stolen from Mama's kit earlier. It was called 'Pretty in Neon Pink', which was sooo pretty! It was a shade of hot pink, like on of his highlighters in his bunny pencilcase!

It was also a popular color because he had seen a whore at that lame brothel wearing it too. And since Daddy screwed a hoe, he should deserve looking just as 'pretty' as one!

Plus, Mama had baby pink nail polish on her toes; so they match!

Mimicking the way Mama had painted Daddy's nails, Himaru concentrated completely on applying the tiny brush onto Daddy's toenails.

"Nom, nom. Riceballs… "Hidan mumbled in his sleep, his toes wiggling. Himaru clucked his tongue as he finished painting one foot and continued on with the other.

He wondered why Daddy dreamt of balls?

"Ta-da!" Himaru cheered in a whisper, admiring what he had just done. Once his prank mission was accomplished, he tip-toed out the door.

_Mwahahaha! Maybe Goddaddy Kakuzu the pimp will actually admire Daddy's now hot pink toenails tomorrow. It sure is a masterpiece!_

* * *

**A/N:**

**I know, rather short. **

**But I still hope it cracked a smile on a few of your faces!**

**Imaginary Jashin rosaries for those who review!**


	3. Himaru's In Charge!

Author's Note:

Hey hey hey! Thanks to all of you who reviewed, you all make me happy;

And in return, I hope these oneshots can make you happy too : )

This is yet another quite short one, but anyways…enjoy!

* * *

Hearing his father and Godfather's bickering and footsteps getting close to the house, Himaru excitedly huddled behind the door, ready to jump out to surprise them.

Oh, oh, oh! He had baked a batch of cookies and cupcakes just for them today!

They haven't visited for over three weeks now, which is like, forever!

Hidan ruthlessly kicked the door open, causing the boy to scream out in pain as he got knocked to the ground.

"Damn it, Hidan! You just nailed the kid!" Kakuzu growled, kneeling down to check on his godson.

The boy rolled around in pain and groaned, "Ow! It hurts so much, I think I'm going to die! Ahh! It burns!" He then sniffled and wailed, adding to the dramatic effect.

"Hmph, don't buy his crap, 'Kuzu! He can't get hurt!" Hidan huffed.

Daddy was right: his forehead felt like it was burning at first, but the magic in his blood then made his boo-boo go away!

Himaru put a little hand around his Godfather's wrist, "God…daddy 'Kuzu! I—I'm okay. I baked some treats for you and daddy and wanted to surprise you…"

Kakuzu shot Hidan a death glare as he lifted the child up to his feet. Hidan laughed awkwardly and scratched his neck, "Erm, sorry, kid."

"Hmph!" Himaru stomped his little feet, "You have to make it up to me!" He put his hands on his hips, staring at his father intimidatingly.

Hidan rolled his eyes, "Whatever."

"Now listen up," Himaru commanded, "You go eat a cookie and Goddaddy gets a cupcake. And no! Don't curse at Goddaddy! He gets a cupcake because he helped me up!"

"Why do I have to listen to you little brat?" Hidan asked. He was pissed off!

"Because!" Himaru stomped his foot, "If you two don't listen to me today, I will tell Mama everything! And yes, I mean EVERYTHING."

"---fine!" Hidan rolled his eyes again, taking a bite from the cookie.

"I'm in charge today!" Himaru hollered, climbing onto the sofa, "Now you two bastards have to listen to me!"

Kakuzu choked on his blueberry cupcake. Oh man…

"Are you two finished yet?" Himaru asked, tapping his foot on the floor impatiently.

Hidan brushed off the crumbles around his lips with the back of his hand, "Yeah."

"Good. Now take me to that brothel you took me last time." Himaru demanded.

"What's a brothel?" Hidan raised an eyebrow.

Himaru shook his head in disbelief, "Yeah, I figured Daddy's too stupid to understand that word. It means 'whorehouse'."

"Ohh…but hey, no!" Hidan exclaimed.

Kakuzu growled lowly, "Why there, kid?"

"Because I said so!" The boy whined like a spoiled brat, hugging his uncle's thigh like a koala, "And carry me!"

Kakuzu shot Hidan another death glare. What in the world did he do to deserve this?!

Sighing, he bent down and let the child climb onto his back and he stood up once he felt the child's arms around his shoulder.

"Now, let's set sail!" Himaru piped, pointing forward.

* * *

"Okay, you two both have super-duper important shinobi missions today." Himaru began, once they arrived to the front door of the brothel, "Let's start with you, Goddaddy!"

"Why?" Kakuzu's tone had a hint of horror and whininess.

"Because yours is easier to get done with." Himaru nodded his head and whispered Kakuzu's 'mission' into his ear. The tall, tanned man's eyes widened as he heard the boy's words.

"I'm not going to do that." Kakuzu concisely refused.

"Well, if you don't, I'll cry. Right here, right now." Himaru threatened.

Kakuzu smirked, "And I can drop you to the ground. Right here, right now."

"And I won't even have a boo-boo," Himaru cackled, "Now get on with it, pimp!"

Kakuzu couldn't believe that he could not win an argument with a seven year old. He let the kid down from his back and sighed, "Fine."

"Daddy and I will be waiting here," Himaru grinned, folding his arms across his chest, "Make me proud!"

Kakuzu dragged his legs into the brothel by pushing past the curtains. He stepped into the lobby and cleared his throat. This was for sure going to be the most humiliating thing he has ever done in his whole life.

He spotted a whore waving at him and strutting over, "Kakuzu-danna! Welcome!"

Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, he held up a palm.

Oh god.

Here goes...

He blinked open his jade eyes and snarled loudly, "Where my money at, bitch?! "

The prostitute jumped in terror with a shriek, then collapsed to the floor, wailing at his feet, "I---I'm so sorry, Kakuzu-sama! I didn't know what I was doing, I just…I'm sorry! Please don't kill me, please!"

"What?" Kakuzu raised an eyebrow in confusion, "What are you doing?" He kicked her off.

The woman scrambled away then back in a short moment, "I…I swear I only took this much, I'm so sorry, please forgive me!" She stuffed a handful of cash into Kakuzu's pockets. After that, she ran away.

"What the fuck?" Kakuzu muttered to himself. So this woman had stolen his money? How did he not notice? He had been counting his cash accurately all the time! Damn these skanky bitches!

He exited the whorehouse and saw a triumphant smile on Himaru's face, "So, how was it, pimp'o'daddy?"

The tall shinobi shrugged, "It was not too bad." This kid was something.

"Now Daddy, it's your turn," Himaru pushed his father into the lobby, "Don't let us down! Ranting is your forte, go kick some butt!"

"Hey, I warned you, don't touch my ass, that's sexual harassment! And since you're my son, that's incest!" Hidan mumbled before he stumbled into the brothel.

"Goddaddy," Himaru tugged on Kakuzu's wrist.

"Hm?" The shinobi grunted.

"What's an 'incest'?" The boy asked, innocently.

"You know what brothel means but not incest?" Kakuzu said, sarcastically.

"Hmph, you're a meanie for not telling me!" Himaru stuck his tongue out at his godfather.

* * *

"Hey, get Sayoko here!" Hidan hollered, impatiently.

The whore with heavy make-up walked over seductively to him, "Long time no see, Hidan-danna! Didn't bring your bastard kid here, did you?" She snaked an arm around his waist.

"Hey!" Hidan slapped her hand away, "Don't touch me, unless I tell you to, bitch!"

"Jeez, sorry," She backed away, "So what do ya' want today?"

"Absolutely nothin'!" Hidan snapped, "I just wanted to tell you, that I will never be coming here ever again! Don't you call my son a bastard child, he's got a mom and father for crying out loud. And what, do you think I'm a womanizer, and that I like women feeling me up? No, I don't, skank-face!"

He then spotted an older woman serving tea to customers and gesturing towards him to quiet down. "You don't want me to make a scene here, y'old hag? Well tell ya what, your tea sucks! I wonder what the fuck you put into it, because it tastes worse than crap!"

The middle-aged woman hurried away with a sob.

"Whoa, whoa," Sayoko laughed, "Take it easy, man."

'This was so much fun', Hidan thought. Some of the ranting were lies, but yelling at people randomly and accusing them for stupid stuff was actually interesting!

"Oh, do you think I am easy? I don't think so!" Hidan snarled, "I'm not going to sleep with you because you're damned dirty and a total slut! You think I like it when your fucking gross weave brushes against my skin? For Jashin-sama's sake, no!"

Sayoko consciously put a hand over her side ponytail, "I'm sorry that it's your bad day..."

"No it's not, it's never been so fucking great!" Hidan shoved the woman to the floor, "You're gonna get STDs and die! Not me, 'cause I just can't! Suck on that!"

Sayoko burst out in humiliated tears, getting up and ran away. Hidan smugly grinned.

Damn that felt good.

"How was that, Daddy?" Himaru asked, his voice eager.

"Fucking awesome." Hidan nodded, ruffling his son's hair, "Whorehouses suck!"

"That's right!" Himaru clapped his hands, "Goddaddy, please carry me home!"

Kakuzu sighed and agreed. The kid did get him a few hundred dollars back.

* * *

"Hey sweetcheeks." Hidan strode over to pull her in for a quick kiss.

Kiyomi giggled at his affectionate gesture, "How was your day? Any fun?"

Hidan shot Himaru a knowing look and smirked, "Sure we did."

Himaru squeezed Kakuzu's hand and looked up to him, smiling proudly.

Kakuzu didn't know why, but he had a gut feeling that the kid had planned to get hit by that door.

Then he remembered what Himaru always said, '_Daddy always kicks open doors to make a kick-butt entrance!_'

Yes, that seven year old albino was a cunning little fellow.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Hehe, lemons are coming up soon, I just have a few pieces to polish up.**

**I know a lot of people don't like pregnant stories or stories with kids in them, **

**but I appreciate all you readers and wish that you can find that sense of humor I want to share!**

**Reviews would be fantastic! (I might update a new chapter next week!)**


	4. Booze, You Lose!

Author's Note:

Hey everybody! I promised I'd update this week, didn't I?

Tomorrow's my eighteenth birthday! I finally feel less naughty for writing about Hidan!

Well…it's supposed to be funny than sexy, but anyways, here's the first lemon of this oneshot series and I hope you guys like it!

* * *

Hidan and Kiyomi were on a date of some sort, going out for a late night dinner.

"Have some sake." Hidan urged, holding up a ceramic teacup with the rich liquid inside.

Kiyomi glimpsed at it and shook her head, holding up a palm, "No thanks, Hidan."

"Aw, come on, a drink won't bite." Hidan practically stuffed the cup into her hand.

"No, I don't drink alcohol. You know that." Kiyomi still refused, settling the cup on the table.

"Sweetcheeks, don't be a wimp." Hidan tried again, "You should try some, you'll like it."

"I'm not a wimp, I just don't like the taste nor smell." Kiyomi huffed, pouting.

"I'll put on a shirt if we go out next time." He suggested, "You know you want me to put on that sexy shirt."

She giggled, "You promise you won't attempt nude again?"

"Yes, yes!" Hidan nodded impatiently, "Now drink, woman."

Kiyomi shot him an annoyed look then looked down at the cup, "Fine."

Taking in a deep breath, she held the cup to her lips, her hands shaking uncertainly. The strong odor of the sake made her frown in distaste. She didn't like alcohol. Not one bit.

Her mannerism teacher had told her that a real lady doesn't drink. Proper ladies drank water, juice or tea.

The liquid almost burnt her throat, the spicy feeling making her stomach turn knots. She coughed, patting her upper chest, forcing herself to swallow the whole cup.

Endearing the fiery taste of alcohol, she slammed a fist onto the table, "There, I did it."

"I'm impressed." Hidan smirked, was this called liquid courage?

Soon, her face flushed red and was uneasy on her chair. Dizzy and woozy from the booze!

"Ohh, it's so hot today, isn't it?" Kiyomi hand-fanned herself, undoing the first button of her blouse, exposing the strap of her bra.

Hidan clicked his tongue, grabbing her wrist, "Don't do that, sweetcheeks." He scooted over and buttoned her shirt up again.

"And why should I?" She dabbed her index finger on his nose and laughed, "It is really hot, Hidan!"

"Um, stay here, I'll go pay the bill." Hidan settled her down on the couch, "I'll be right back."

She grinned goofily and waved him goodbye. Hidan hastily slammed a few crimpled dollar bills and coins onto the counter and hurried back to his seat. Kiyomi had already lied completely down on the sofa, half passed out.

"Get up, sweetcheeks." He kicked her lightly on the calve.

"No!" She complained, "I like this big red sofa. Go away or come lie down with me."

Um, she was so out of character at the moment, which made Hidan worry.

"Hmm, why don't we go away together and find somewhere else to lie down?" He cooed carefully, reaching for her hand.

"That sounds amazing." She purred, letting him pick her up and throw her over his shoulder. She hiccupped, "It's such a prettiful view from up here!"

"Sweetcheeks, there's no such words as 'prettiful', it's either 'pretty' or 'beautiful'. You are way too drunk." Hidan applied his vocabulary knowledge he learnt previously from his son.

She let out a burp then quickly giggled, "Oopsies!"

* * *

The way back to the house was probably the longest, weirdest journey Hidan had ever been on. She had been singing then hiccupping, laughing then crying and then singing some more. It wasn't that her voice was awful, it was the gibberish she was singing that crept Hidan out. The song sort of went like this, 'I love you, you love me, we are happy family!'. Oh shit. Even by memorizing the lyrics gave Hidan chills. Creepy chills.

Kicking the door open, Hidan set Kiyomi down on the ground, holding her by the waist to prevent her from falling down.

"Himaru-chan!" Kiyomi squealed excitedly as she spotted their son in the living room.

_What the carrot-muffin is going on? That icky-pooey smell was just nasty!_

_Why was Mama acting like a crazy lady? It makes no sense! It's usually Daddy, but he's already used to that. Not Mama!_

Seeing his mother throw her arms out, wanting to pull him into a bear hug scared the shit out of him. "Ahh!" Himaru screamed, running away from the door to hide behind the sofa, "Daddy! What is wrong with Mama? She's possessed!"

Kiyomi laughed, tossing her hair back, "Himaru-chan, Mama just had a good time at dinner with Daddy! Maybe I can get laid tonight---"

"That's quite enough now, sweetcheeks." Hidan picked her up again, this time she almost tripped to the floor.

"Let me go, I can walk!" She chirped, "I can sing too, wanna hear?"

"Ahhh, no, no!" Himaru put his hands over his ears. What in the world has gotten into Mama? He usually liked it when she sang lullabies to him, but why did he have a bad feeling today? And Mama stinks! Phooey!

"Weeee!" Kiyomi plopped down on the armchair and kicked her legs into the air.

"Daddy, please stop this!" Himaru wailed, tugging on his father's sleeve.

"Okay, chillax!" Hidan patted his son on the head, "I'll take of your mom. Now go to your room, lock the door and go to sleep."

Himaru nodded, his face dead-serious, "Aye! And 'chillax' isn't a word, it's 'chill' and 'relax', you dumby!"

Hidan didn't have time to retort back at his son since he had to carry Kiyomi to the bathroom because she seemed like she was going to puke. He held onto her arm as they entered the bathroom and she collapsed to the floor.

"Okay, okay." Hidan cooed, pulling back Kiyomi's hair for her as she threw up into the toilet. She coughed and groaned, her hands unsteadily flushing the toilet.

"Sorry." She apologized, her eyes weren't able to focus on him.

"There." He wiped her mouth with a towel and tossed it into the garbage can. Then he guided her to the sink, where he filled a cup with water and instructed her to rinse her mouth. And thanks to Jashin-sama, she didn't swallow it down or squirt it all over the place. Wiping her lips this time with the back of his hand, she shot him a smirk and nuzzled against his chest, "You are so kind."

He pulled her dress over her head and tucked an oversize t-shirt over her and gave her a spank, "You'll do me a big favor if you be a good girl and go to sleep." Hidan patted her head, guiding her to the bed.

She staggered along the way, finally tripped on the edge of the bed post, making her land on the duvet. She cackled and climbed into the blankets and grumbled, "I want to take a shower, I smell bad."

"We'll do that tomorrow, you're too drunk," Hidan lied her down, "Now sleep, sweetcheeks."

"Sleep with me. Me, me, me!" She chanted, her tone sounded just like her son.

What the fuck?

Hidan groaned, running his fingers through his hair, "Ugh, fine." As his usual before-bed routine, he turned off the lights and stripped down all his clothes until he was fully naked then put on a white sleep shirt she had bought for him.

He didn't notice a pair of chocolate brown eyes flickering in the dark, gazing at his body in an almost…hungry fashion.

* * *

Like an innocent lamb entering the wolf's territory, he huddled under the blankets, closing his eyes. What made them snap open was feeling a pair of hands touching him.

"You're so sexy, you know that?" Kiyomi purred, running her hand up and down Hidan's bare thigh. Hidan felt his favorite organ erect. Oh Jashin-sama, what has he gotten himself into?

"Yes, I already know that." Hidan tried slapping her hands away. They were getting very close to his crotch area and he didn't want to do it tonight. Just by carrying her home was a major exhaustion.

"Stop fighting me, tiger!" Kiyomi growled, straddling him, "Roar," She bent down to kiss him, her tongue entwining with his.

"Stop," Hidan mumbled, but his protest was muffled by her aggressive kiss.

Her hands were busy ripping his shirt off. Yes. Ripping, literally.

The tearing of the fabric and the sound buttons flying made Hidan let out a small yelp.

Whoa, whoa, whoa---was this what he was like in bed to her most of the time? This was…terrifying!

"Sweetcheeks," He pleaded, trying to grab her wrists. She was grinding herself shamelessly against his erect shaft. Damn his buddy below wasn't cooperating.

"Fuck you!" She slapped him across the cheek.

Clutching his red cheek, Hidan was getting very afraid. He gulped nervously, "What?"

"I want to fuck you." She growled, clawing his bare chest.

"No!" Hidan whispered, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Yes." She smiled triumphantly, shamelessly pulling down her own panties and sitting on him. She let out a satisfied moan as she felt his hot member slide into her and began riding him like he had once taught her before.

Hidan bit his tongue, trying to hold himself back. This was not enjoyable in any certain way! His stupid cock was enjoying it, but not him! His mind was screaming out for help. But he certainly couldn't have Himaru walk in and see this outrageous scene, right?

_Ahhh! Sacrifices must always be made. And this time it's him._

She rode out her own orgasm on top of him then collapsed beside him, instantly falling asleep. With an arm stubbornly across his abdomen, light snores came from her.

With trembling hands, Hidan picked it off of him and placed it gently aside.

What the fuck just happened?!

Did he seriously just get raped by his sweet, tender lover?

Hidan has learnt a lesson.

When someone says they don't drink sake, believe them.

He will never let Sweetcheeks near any liquid with alcohol again.

He had been scarred for life.

This is why you shouldn't drink booze.

* * *

**A/N:**

**I was originally going to name this chapter 'Date Rape' because it rhymed, but that's very inappropriate. Too inappropriate, even for this story!**

**Um…I hope you guys liked it?**

**Reviews would be really nice :)**


	5. Art is a BANG! Or is It?

Author's Note:

Sorry for the late update. As you can see, An Unexpected Reunion is headed towards a darker mood, but no worries! I have a few oneshots coming up for 'How to Be Inappropiate', which are obviously more silly and fun!

Hope you like it!

* * *

"Mama, Daddy, can you take me to the Art Museum?" Himaru asked one day at the dining table.

Kiyomi's eyes lit up, "Why yes! Himaru, I am quite pleased that you're bringing this up! You haven't been there since you were three!"

Hidan yawned dramatically, "Phooey. Who wants to go an Art room? Boring as heck!"

"Hey!" Himaru scolded, "It's for my homework! And art is pretty!"

Hidan huffed. Why was his son in Deidara-persona today? Jeez!

Kiyomi looked down at her watch around her twiggy wrist, "Hmm, it's a nice Sunday morning, why don't we set off around two o'clock in the afternoon?"

"Okay, okay!" Himaru nodded attentively, hopping off the stool and running to his room.

"Jeez." Hidan rolled his eyes, chewing hard on his tuna sandwich. He felt Kiyomi's bare leg brushing his ankle. He glared at her, who was smiling sheepishly at him. Hidan cocked an eyebrow, "What?!" Naughtily, she moved her leg higher, to his calves. Whoa, Sweetcheeks was attempting to play footsie with him, huh?

"Hidan-danna," She pleaded in a flirty tone, "Please come with us, it'll be fun."

He snorted, "I'll think about it."

"Please," She tried again, this time, courageously, she placed her foot on his thigh.

Inhaling sharply, Hidan cursed himself mentally. Damn this woman, with a simple gesture and now he's got a boner!

"Hmm?" Kiyomi blinked innocently.

Growling beneath his breath, Hidan reached underneath the table and placed his hand on her ankle, rubbing it in a sensuous matter, "Well, since you've asked so nicely…fine."

She let out a satisfied smile and quickly pulled back her leg, "Great."

"And you're just gonna leave me here?!" Hidan groaned, enduring the burning lust between his thighs. Instead, he gnawed on the remaining sandwiches.

* * *

Kiyomi wore a simple, white summer dress with her hair down and Himaru wore a plaid shirt tucked neatly into his shorts as they stood at the door, "Ready to go?"

"Yeah, whatever." Hidan stood up from the sofa. He was bare-chested and was just wearing a pair of pants. A pair of…well, rather tight pants.

"Hidan, go put on a shirt!" Kiyomi frowned.

"No!" He replied stubbornly, "It's so hot outside, I don't want to!"

"You are such a baby!" Himaru put his hands on his hips, "Go put on a shirt, Daddy!"

"I'm not a baby!" The Jashinist retorted, "And fine! I will." He attempted to stomp away from them, but noticed he didn't have any clothes. Well, appropriate attire for whatever –the-fuck the Art Gallery's dress code was. He stared at Kiyomi dumbly, mumbling gibberish.

Kiyomi sighed, striding to her bedroom, she pulled off a white shirt from the hanger, "Here, put this on." She tossed the top to Hidan, who caught it before landing on his chest.

"Hey, why the fuck do you have a man's shirt in this house? I'm the only one that's fuc—um, banging you, so whose shirt is this?" Hidan demanded furiously, "Are you cheating on me? Are---are you 'cock-holding'?!"

"Hidan-danna," Kiyomi rolled her brown eyes, "Firstly, it's correctly pronounced as 'cuckolding' and secondly, no, this is a brand new shirt I bought for you, just in case for occasions like this."

Hidan threw out his arms out in disbelief, "'Cuck' and 'Cock' sound exactly the same. Like 'Tomay-toe' and 'Tomah-toe.'"

"Now will you please put it on now?" She pleaded with a hint of impatience.

"Yeah, okay." He nodded, hastily putting on the cotton shirt. His fingers fidgeted with the buttons, not exactly knowing how to put them on.

Kiyomi burst out into a giggle and quickly shut her mouth close, reaching over to button up his shirt. Pressing her palms down on his now-covered chest, she smiled, "See? You can look good with clothes on, too. You look more…classy."

Surprisingly, Hidan blushed, letting out a shy but toothy grin, "I…I knew that already!"

* * *

Strolling through the entrance to the gallery, it had been much better than what Hidan had anticipated. Dozens of paintings with naked chicks were hanging in golden frames on the wall!

"Holy shit!" Hidan practically jumped up the air in delight, "They show tits here?!"

"Hidan!" Kiyomi hissed, "Keep your voice down. And yes, this is art. Not pornography."

"Ohhh…" Hidan rubbed his chin, throwing an arm around her shoulder, "And you know what porn is, huh?"

She blushed madly, "I know the word. And in an art gallery, you have to be quiet. Try to experience the beauty within. So don't make a scene."

Hidan shrugged, "Uhh, yes ma'am." His violet eyes were glancing around at portraits of the nude women with saggy breasts posing next to landscapes. Wow, he didn't know these places existed, is it even legal for the models to pose naked in public for the artist to paint them? If he could paint naked women, he would do that for a living! Hmm, he should ask Deidara a few questions next time. Maybe he makes sculptures of naked, hot women with that explosive clay of his too.

"Yo, Himaru," He whispered, tapping his son on the head. His son was busy scribbling notes down on his notepad.

"What, daddy?" The boy asked without looking up.

"Look," He pointed at the closest painting with gold framing. It had a woman with red hair standing next to a willow tree, naked, once again, with her hand over her waist, a sorrow expression on her face.

"Oh that's pretty," Himaru nodded, "What's your point?"

"Boobies!" Hidan exclaimed, excitedly.

The small albino shot him a death glare, throwing his hands out in despair, gritting his teeth as he said, "Daddy, you are so tasteless! This is art, not some cheap whore you screwed!"

Hidan's jaw dropped open in shame. "I-I-I…I was just trying to admire the paintings, that's all!" He insisted, his hands pulling on the hem of his new shirt.

He for once, was embarrassed. Being called out like that by his son was just excruciating!

"Himaru, I think your Daddy learnt a lesson." Kiyomi couldn't help crack a smile. Standing next to Hidan, she snaked an arm with his, holding his hand, "Why don't we just be silent for once and finish this exhibition?"

Hidan nodded eagerly, gripping tightly onto Kiyomi's hand.

"Did you know that these four paintings are meant to represent the four seasons?" She pointed at four portraits hung up in a row.

Hidan squinted his eyes and tried his best to squeeze out a bit of his artistic side. How does a pink blur, yellow circles, an orange blur and white dots represent the seasons? He did not get it at all. He snapped, "Of course I do! I mean, that's like simple art or whatever that shit is called. It looks like a five year old painted that."

Kiyomi smirked, "You're half right. It's abstract and simplistic. Good for you."

"Hmph, of course." Hidan tilted his chin up cockily.

See? Art was easy. He can be Deidara too. But who wanted to be a clay-playing pagan? _A blond one too._

* * *

"Holy shit, that exhibition blew my mind," Hidan exclaimed, throwing his arm around Kiyomi's waist as they exited the Art museum.

She laughed heartily, "It sure did."

"And I'd like you to blow my cock." He whispered crudely to her.

"Ew, Hidan!" Kiyomi's face flushed pink, "I thought all that art would mold you into a classier person! With your nice shirt on and all…"

"Well, all those breasts and naked chicks made me all horny." He blew hot air into her ear.

His lover just giggled and pushed him away, "Not today."

"Damn tease." Hidan rolled his eyes. Ugh, he had already came to this freaking art show; she played footsie with him in the morning and left him alone with a boner and now she won't even give him a freaking blowjob?! He'll get back to her someday…

* * *

Later on in the night Himaru skipped over to his mother,"Mama, I finished my paragraph!"

Kiyomi sat next to Hidan on the couch; Hidan was snoring, his bare chest exposed again, since four of the shirt's buttons were undone.

"Shh…" Kiyomi held up an index finger to her lips, "Let Mama read it."

The boy handed her mother the piece of paper with his neat handwriting on it:

_Today, my mother and father took me to the Art Gallery. We looked at many pretty artworks there: paintings, sculptures and more! The quiet museum was delightful and I really enjoyed the artistic experience. Also, my Daddy, who isn't exactly familiar with art had learnt a few lessons today with me as well. I taught him to read between the lines, to look past the surface and try to understand the emotions the artists are trying to convey. He was first a little noisy, but then began to keep his voice low and admire the paintings with my Mama. It was a wonderful day! Not just the art made me happy, but also being able to spend a fun afternoon with my parents!_

"I'm happy too, Himaru." Kiyomi smiled, extremely pleased. Her son had practically written her exact same thoughts down.

Himaru grinned proudly and climbed onto his father's lap. Causing Hidan to stir in his sleep with a frown.

Then all of a sudden, Himaru slapped both his little palms onto Hidan's chest.

The Jashinist jumped up, "Hey, what the fuck was that for?!"

The answer he got from his son was, "BOOBIES!" with his tongue stuck out.

"You don't know how wrong that was!" Hidan hollered, "I'm gonna beat your little ass one day, y'hear me?!"

"Whatever, boobie-man!" Himaru cackled.

Oh well, he'll show his paragraph to Daddy some other day. If Daddy could read _that_ well.

* * *

**A/N: Oh well, maybe I'm losing my funny touch. But this was fun to write and hopefully was an easy read for y'all :)**

**The next chapter will be about Himaru meeting the Akatsuki! Yay!**

**Review please?**


	6. Himaru Meets Akatsuki!

Author's Note:

Hello everybody. I am terribly sorry for the slow, slow update.

Here is the (hopefully) anticipated episode where Himaru meets the Akatsuki!

**I apologize for any OOCness because with Himaru around, anything's bound to happen!**

Haha, hope this cheers up your day or at least lighten up the somber mood caused by An Unexpected Reunion(which I believe I will be updating tomorrow).

Hope you like it!

* * *

"Oh Daddy~" Himaru sang, once he entered the house as he got back from school.

"What?" Hidan spat, crossing his legs on the couch.

"Tomorrow is 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'!" The child exclaimed excitedly, "Since Mama doesn't have a job, you have to take me to your workplace!"

"What the fuck? Is that supposed to be educational to you brats?" Hidan sat up a little more straight, alerted by the news.

"Mhmm," Himaru nodded, "You don't have to fight shinobis if you don't want to, I just wanna visit your home. Like the home where you and Goddaddy Kakuzu go to meet your boss, the major pimp of all pimps and hoes!"

"Oh, like the headquarters?" Hidan smirked, "That's cool, I can do that."

_Uh, fuck yeah! Going to the Akatsuki base and hanging out was so much better than letting his son witness a sacrifice made for Jashin-sama or bounty-hunting trip with Kakuzu! _

No gore for Himaru, that was what he had promised Kiyomi.

"Would it be safe?" Kiyomi asked quietly. She was perched next to him on the couch.

"Mhmm," Hidan nodded, "Don't worry about it, I'll warn the other members first about this lil' brat coming in. It's just an afternoon, chillax!"

Kiyomi muttered something about his vocabulary before standing up from the sofa. Hidan reached for her wrist and whispered, "I promise I'll keep him safe. It'll be educational!"

She smiled in appreciation, "Thank you, that's rather responsible of you."

"Duh, no shit!" He shook his head in an as-a-matter-of-fact fashion, turning to his son, "Okay, kid. You better start taking notes," Hidan cleared his throat, his tone had the tiniest hint of evilness, "There are a few things you should know about my 'colleagues'…"

* * *

"Daddy, this is your workplace?" Himaru exclaimed once the two albinos entered the Akatsuki headquarters. It was in a well-hidden cave, where inside were tunnels that led to different rooms.

"Something like that!" Hidan patted his son on the shoulder, "You can go explore for yourself. If anyone threatens to kill you, it's okay. You can't die anyway."

"Cool!" Himaru jumped up and down, dashing away into random rooms.

The first room he barged into was occupied by a blond teenager, who turned around to look at the little intruder.

"Are you the little Hidan?" Deidara asked, examining the kid from head to toe.

"Yuh-huh! I'm Himaru!" He grinned at the artist standing in front of him, "Are you Dei-chan? Ohhh, Daddy was right, you sure are gorgeous!"

"What?" Deidara asked, "Hidan said that?"

"But you're so pretty," Himaru pouted, "Why would you treat yourself like this?"

"Like what?" The blond artist raised an eyebrow, "Being in the Akatsuki, un?"

"Prostitution!" Himaru corrected him, "You might get STDs and also wreck peoples' families. I heard you were an artist, why don't you stick with that?"

"Who---who said I was in that sort of shady business?" Deidara couldn't believe his ears, "I'm an artist full of inspiration, creating it by explosion!"

"Say whatever you want," Himaru folded his arms across his chest, "I bet you can make an awful lot with those horny hands of yours."

"What?" Deidara consciously glanced down at his palms with mouths on them.

"If a customer wants to see them French Kiss, would you do it?" Himaru's eyes sparkled in curiosity.

"Hell no!" Deidara clenched fists, angrily.

"Oh no! you're smothering them, don't do that!" Himaru pulled at Deidara's wrists.

"Hey kiddo, what 'cha doing here with Dei-chan?" Hidan joined them.

"Auntie Dei-Dei won't let me see her hands make out!" The boy huffed like a brat.

"Oi, Dei-chan! Just make my son a bird or something and he'll stop bothering you." Hidan gave his sincere advice.

The blond artist shot the Jashinist a death glare before letting his left-hand mouth chew out a chunk of clay.

"Eww, why would anyone want those freaky hands?!" Himaru's face scrunched up in distaste, "Edward Scissorhands have more convenient hands than yours."

"Who's that? An unknown artist?" Deidara snorted, "I'll make you a signature piece, a bird. Is that okay, kid?"

Himaru shook his head, "No, I want a bunny! A bunny that can hop around in my pocket!"

The blond bomber rolled his eyes, sculpting the chunk of clay into a little rabbit, "There, un."

"Hey, you make sure that damn clay rabbit isn't explosive." Hidan warned, settling a hand on his colleague's shoulder.

"It won't." Deidara chuckled. He added just a little surprise for the kid, since he did in fact call him a 'her'. _Auntie Dei-Dei, seriously?_

"Oh, so cute!" Himaru exclaimed the clay bunny hopping on his palm. Then it suddenly went 'poof'! A tiny explosion occurred, startling the boy, "Ahh! My, my! Auntie Dei-Dei, you sure are feisty! I bet customers love you."

Hidan shot Deidara a glare before shoving his son away from that terrorist. Hah, his son did in fact listen to what he said and insulted this pain-in-the-ass unintentionally. Brilliant!

"I'll see you around." Hidan told his son, swaggering away after 'rescuing' him.

* * *

Himaru grinned, "Bye, Daddy!" He skipped to the lounge area and spotted a person with a ponytail sitting silently on the couch.

"Hi!" Himaru grinned at the Uchiha.

Itachi's sullen face turned slightly to face him.

Slightly dazed by the Uchiha's red orbs, Himaru's jaw dropped open, "Wow, your eyes are like, really really pretty!"

Itachi couldn't help his lips to curve up into a little smirk, but he still said nothing.

"You're kind of scary," Himaru pouted, "What's up with you not talking?"

Itachi just continued staring emotionlessly at the boy. This made Himaru feel weird and shy. He put his hands behind his back and stood in front of him giddily.

Itachi still didn't talk.

"It was nice meeting you, Auntie Itachi!" Himaru scurried over to give him a hug, "You're really pretty! I hope you quit from your profession soon!"

Itachi froze at what he heard the little albino called him. But before he could say anything, Himaru had already ran away.

"Where you going, buddy?" Hidan asked, as his son bumped into him in the hallway.

"Auntie Itachi scares me! Her eyes are pretty though." Himaru nodded.

"Did you tell 'her' that?" Hidan asked, skeptically.

"I sure did! You said it's nice to point it out whenever you see a hot chick!"

Hidan cackled in delight, slapping his thighs, "Now you run along now!"

* * *

"Hello!" Himaru knocked on the door before entering the room.

Sasori looked up from the table. He was currently carving a marionette.

"Wow, that is sooo cool!" The silver-haired boy exclaimed, running over to sit on the chair next to Sasori, the puppet master.

"H'm." Sasori replied, still cradling the small piece of wood in his hands.

"You must be my Uncle Sasori," Himaru kicked his little feet under the table.

"Are we related?" The redhead put down his work and peered at Himaru with his eyes.

"Duh, no!" Himaru stuck out his tongue, "But I do wish I had those kick-butt art skills like you! You are very talented."

"You like art?" Sasori raised a brow skeptically.

"Well, you're obviously more gifted than Auntie Dei-Dei!" Himaru nodded, "I heard my Daddy say you make puppets like Pinocchio, that's so cool!"

"Do you want to try being Pinocchio?" Akasuna no Sasori asked with an evil smirk.

Staring at the shinobi in front of him, almost paralyzed, Himaru nodded, climbing onto the puppeteer's lap, "I trust you, Uncle Sasori!"

The red-head attached chakra strings to the boy's head and arms, causing Himaru to burst out into giggles, "That feels funny! Make me do a chicken dance!"

Sasori lowered the minor to the ground

"Hey, hey, hey! Watch it, ginger fuck-face! That's my son, not a fucking toy!" Hidan snarled, pulling his son away from the puppeteer.

* * *

-Insert poorly written transition-

"Oh, is this your son, Hidan?" Konan asked, her voice had a laid-back tone to it. She didn't even take interest, just simply shooting Himaru a glance.

"Yeah." Hidan nodded.

It was fresh to see a kid around, so Konan attempted to start a friendly conversation, but her tone still remained icy, "So what's your name?"

"Talk to the hand." Himaru held up his palm, ignoring her. _Hmph, he wished he had Auntie Dei-Dei's hands so they could stick their tongue out at this woman!_

"What's his problem, Hidan?" Konan demanded, coldly.

"He errrr…has some issues with you." Hidan laughed pulling his son away, "You shouldn't be that mean to your Aunt Konan, she might paper-cut us to death!" He whispered to his son.

"Hmph, like you said, we can't die!" Himaru huffed, "Mama doesn't like her, so I don't like her either!"

"How do you know your mom doesn't like her? They haven't even met!" Hidan chuckled.

"Duh, she's jealous of your colleague!" Himaru answered, "And you better not pick a blue haired woman over my beautiful Mama. That's just wrong."

The boy's father laughed heartily, "Yes sir! Now, do you wanna see my boss?"

"Totally! How can I visit the 'Kick-Butt Brothel' and not meet the ultimate pimp-leader?!" Himaru chirped, tugging on his father's wrist, "Whee!"

"Oi! Leader!" Hidan kicked open the door.

"Whoa, so kick butt!" Himaru joined in the holler with a series of hand-clapping, "Dun dun dunnnnn! Oh the mighty-pimp of all whores, show your face!"

The edge of Hidan's wide smile on his face froze. Pein had his back against them but Hidan could merely see a vein bulge on Pein's forehead. Hmmm…he's never seen Leader been so annoyed, what would it be like to piss him off for once?

"Your son, Hidan?" Pein spoke.

"Hah, you bet!" Hidan threw an arm around the little albino's shoulder.

"I might want to say to you don't want to test my patience." The leader of the Akatsuki warned, his voice ice cold, almost identical to Konan.

Hidan's jaw dropped open; he hadn't even started to swear or goof around yet!

Fuck, was Pein-sama psychic or what?!

Oh yeah. _He was._

"Fine, whatever!" Hidan snorted, "I'll kick your pierced ass another day, just not when my son's watching!"

"We'll wait and see." Pein still didn't bother to turn around to look at them.

* * *

"I wonder what the Pimp with a capital 'P' looks like!" Himaru looked up at his father, who was too busy cussing and muttering things about Jashin and Pein.

Not interested in any way whatsoever, he skipped away, "Whoa!" He shouted, bumping into a tall man.

"Watch where you're going, little buddy." The man answered in a low voice.

"Sorry." Himaru chewed on his lip, nervously.

Gee, this man sure looked scary! He was the tallest man he had ever seen: even taller than Goddaddy Kakuzu! But that's not what made him scary: it's that he had blue skin and sharp teeth, which resembled a shark! Himaru didn't like sharks, _not one bit!_

"Did you happen to see Itachi-san?" The man asked.

Himaru tilted his head, "You mean Auntie Itachi? I sure did! She's sitting in the lounge, waiting for a customer! She looks pissed, though."

"Did you just call him Auntie Itachi?" Kisame burst out into a chuckle, "Of course he's pissed."

"She is a he? Oh phooey, what kind of twisted place is this?" Himaru exclaimed, smacking his forehead in disbelief.

"This is the Akatsuki, nothing is predictable." Kisame explained concisely.

"You mean she's a…drag queen?!" Himaru's mouth shaped into a capital 'O'.

"You must be Hidan's brat." Kisame smirked. Only that silver-haired motherfucker would have the guts to talk back to Leader Pein or Itachi. Like father, like son.

"And you are Uncle Kisame!" Himaru wrapped his arms around his thigh, giving him a warm hug, "I have a question for you."

"And what is that?" Kisame arched an eyebrow.

"Is that supposed to be a fin on your head or that's just your hair styled like that? Because either ways, it's cool!" Himaru beamed up at the blue-skinned man.

Kisame gritted his teeth, his fists clenching, hesitating whether to kill the kid or not.

But Himaru beat him to it, "Na-na! You can't kill me, I'm immortal! Like my Goddaddy and Daddy!"

Mumbling a few foul words, Kisame walked away. Yes, he was the mature one.

* * *

"Oh boy, you must be Uncle Veggie-Head!" Himaru cheered when he saw Zetsu entering the living room.

"**What?"**

"_Ahahaha, it's a little Hidan!"_

"**Shut up!"**

"Ohh, you're not only a vegetable, but also 'skittles'!" Himaru beamed in surprise, putting a little hand over his heart, "I'm so sorry."

_"What's 'skittles'?!"_

"**I think he means schizophrenic."**

"Yup, yup! The black one's right." Himaru clapped his hands.

"**I'm gonna eat him, I swear to god…"**

"Hey! Don't mention that bloke's name in front of my son, you talking flytrap!" Hidan barged into the room, pointing a finger at Zetsu.

"Like father, like son." The plant-like man sighed wistfully and left the room.

"Hey, Zetsu-san!" Tobi waved at the disturbed Zetsu who pushed past him. He himself skipped to the living room, spotting Himaru and Hidan.

"Ugh, that's the idiot I didn't tell you about," Hidan whispered to his son, "He's Tobi, he's hyper and retard."

"'Retarded', not 'Retard', retard!" Himaru giggled at his father's mistake.

The Jashinist smacked his son on the head and frowned. He did not want Tobi anywhere near his son. Because the two of them were too alike; they would cause utter chaos.

But it was too late.

"Ohhhh!" Tobi chirped, "Who's this?"

"I'm Himaru!" The boy waved at the masked man.

"Nice to meet you, Himaru! I'm Tobi!" He introduced himself, "And I'm a good boy!"

"So am I!" Himaru clapped, running over to shake hands with him.

"No you're not…" Hidan muttered, collapsing down onto the sofa, massaging his temples.

"I like bunnies, balloons and butt-kicking shinobis like my Daddy!" Himaru started to chat with the hyperactive Tobi.

"Tobi likes to dance and follow Deidara-sempai around!" Tobi cried, "Oh, you might just be my soul mate, Himaru!"

"I don't know what that is, but yayyyy!" The seven year old held both hands with Tobi as they started to spin around in circles screaming "Yay!"s' and chanting "Tobi and Himaru are good boys"!

"Ahhh! Stop it!" Hidan cussed, slamming his fist on his thigh.

The two of them continued to sing and dance and jump and prance around the living room.

"Please make them stop." Deidara came out, sounding like he was awoken from a nap.

"Come join us, Deidara-sempai!" Tobi yelled.

"Yeah, come, come! Auntie Dei-Dei!" Himaru bellowed enthusiastically.

"I told you this was a bad idea." Kakuzu punched Hidan on the arm.

"**Hidan, if you don't get your son to stop, I will make him my dinner."**

"_But Tobi's finally got a friend of his kind!"_

* * *

Then, a silent Itachi wandered into the living room and stood beside his fellow Akatsuki members, staring at the hyperactive duo with his dark ruby eyes.

"Ahhh!" Himaru immediately let go of Tobi and dashed onto his father's lap, "Take me home now, I think I've had enough today!"

Hidan secretly appreciated the appearance of Itachi to silence his son; but he didn't know why the Uchiha had such an impact of both of them…maybe because he was the complete opposite of them. Hmph, that weird-eyed, quiet, creepy-ass pansy!

Being loud, spontaneous, masculine and simply fucking sexy was the way to go!

"Let's go, son!" Hidan grabbed his son's hand, heading towards the door, "Toodle-loo, motherfuckers!"

"Bye, Auntie Dei-Dei and Itachi and every other ho in the house!" Himaru waved at the Akatsuki with a goofy grin on his face.

"Goooooooddd Byyyyyyee, Himaru!" Tobi waved twice as enthusiastic to his new-found yet quickly separated soul mate.

"How was that, kiddo?" Hidan asked his son on their way home.

"Refreshing," Himaru nodded, "Not exactly educational, but soooo fun!"

"Good. Because I'm never taking you back there again." Hidan patted his head.

"Why?!" Himaru whined, "But I want to hang out with Tobi! And Uncle Sasori's cool too…why can't I go back? You can't, Daddy, you can't do this! I wanna, I wanna!"

Seeing his son on the verge of annoying tears, Hidan gritted his teeth, not believing himself saying this, "You can't and you won't. You wanna know why?"

Himaru sniffled, blinking up at his father with his watery, innocent, wide violet eyes.

Hidan took in a deep breath, "Because, like you said, that's a whorehouse. If you play or hang out with them, you will get STD and die. "

That's what he said.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Bahaha. I did it. It took me a while to write, phew.**

**Like I said, I will be updating the last chapter of An Unexpected Reunion tomorrow. Be sure to check it out!**

**Reviews will afford condoms for the Akatsuki so no one will suffer from STDs!**


	7. Whipped Cream & Strawberries, Ohh Lala!

Author's Note:

Hi all! I'm sorry I haven't updated in quite a while. I've been experiencing writer's block ever since the end of An Unexpected Reunion!

This is somewhat a dedication to **Nutella's Biggest Fan**, who is one of my favorite authors' and friend here on FF and who provided great support throughout this year, helping me improve my writing skills. Thanks for the millionth time, pal!

This afternoon I was hungry and didn't feel like studying and so voila!

Enjoy the two-thousand something words lemon waiting ahead ;)

* * *

"Yo, Sweetcheeks!" Hidan called, closing the door behind him and swaggering into the kitchen, "What 'cha cooking?"

"I want to make some salad with the turkey I bought." Kiyomi explained without looking at him, where she was paying attention at chopping carrots into neat pieces.

"Ohh." Hidan rolled his eyes. He hated salad. His magenta eyes glanced to her hand, which was gripping onto the knife tensely. Damn, he felt himself get hard by the simple action of hers.

"Sweetcheeks," He whispered huskily.

"Hmm?" She asked, placing the carrots onto a plate and reaching for a celery stick to chop.

Hidan couldn't take it anymore. He walked over to her within a stride and pulled her arm, making her shriek, "Hidan! Don't do that when people are using knives, someone might get hurt."

"I won't," He smirked.

She carefully placed the knife down on the kitchen counter. "You won't, but I might."

"Psh. I won't allow that to happen!" He kissed her on the top of the head, "Now, I've always wanted to try this…"

"Try what?" Before he answered, she was already placed onto the dining table.

"This," He grinned, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear. He took turns looking at her then at the table, back and forth between two.

It took her a few seconds to understand. The moment she did, she flushed red, "No!"

"Too late! and you know I hate people when they say no." Hidan chuckled, untying the apron around her and tossing it to the floor.

Kiyomi chewed on her lip as her lover glowered at her with his violet eyes. He was like a predator ready to prance on its prey. "Hidan," She tried again, "It's almost lunchtime." She held up her hand, trying to push him away.

"I know, and I'm hungry," He growled huskily, pressing her down onto the dining table.

Kiyomi pointed at the kitchen counter, squeaking, "Lunch is almost ready!"

He was annoyed by her nagging and silenced her protests with a sloppy kiss, probing his tongue into her mouth, savoring the sweetness of her. She slapped him on the arm and let out only a subdued whine. She couldn't believe she was…she was surprisingly turned on by this! This tasteless, vulgar sex 'scenario'!

"Stop teasing me, Hidan…ahh…" She threw her head back and groaned, since his talented tongue was teasing her nipple by licking the remaining whipped cream on it. He held on to her neck with his right hand when his left hand roamed to her lower region and stroked her womanhood with his fingertips. She jerked up at his touch, grabbing him on the arm, her mouth wide open, trying to catch her breath.

His digits slowly pumped in and out of her. The vulnerable and crude position she was in made her squirm and try to keep her legs shut but Hidan possessively pressing down on her knee, shooting her a warning look and separating her legs even wider.

He knew she was almost off the edge and began thrusting faster with his fingers then suddenly stopped, retreating his now wet hand, "Damn, sweetcheeks! Didn't know this would get you horny!"

She shamelessly whimpered, her hair messy, legs apart, whipped cream still spread across her naked upper-half torso on the dining table.

She ran her fingers through his hair, panting, "Why…"

Hidan had mischevious grin on his face, "Why, you like it! And I'm just getting back at you for playing footsie with me then leaving me with a boner!" He backed away from the table tauntingly.

"You're just leaving me here?" She asked, "But…"

"Hmm?" Hidan took a step closer to her.

"But I can't get down…I…" She stammered embarrassingly, crazily shaking her head, "Just don't leave me like this!"

* * *

Before she could react, Hidan stuffed a fresh strawberry into her mouth, caressing her cheeks, "Sweetcheeks, shut up. Of course I can't leave you all horny on a dining table without giving you a fuck or two!"

The sweetness of the fruit seeped down her tongue to her throat, making this situation-erm, sex with Hidan even more erotic than usual.

"And the main course," Hidan toothily grinned, shamelessly stroking his shaft as he positioned himself before her wet entrance, slowly sliding in, "is served."

She let out an elongated moan, her hand gripping onto the edge of the table.

"You better chew on the strawberry or you'll choke. You know how it comes to choking-" Hidan laughed teasingly.

She shot him an embarrassed yet annoyed glare, but obediently swallowed the fruit. Pleased, Hidan reached over both his hands and started kneading on her soft mounds, sometimes a hard squeeze and sometimes a light cup. Whatever it was he was doing, it made Kiyomi moan louder than ever.

And you know Hidan. He liked being loud. More so, making someone scream underneath him.

Their naked bodies rocked towards each other in a rhythm, faster and faster.

The plastic bowl of strawberries fell to the floor, and the can of whipped cream followed behind.

"We're making a mess!" Kiyomi whined, her eyes scanning the scattered things on the ground.

Hidan grunted and made her let out a gasp as he thrust deeper than ever into her, as if complaining silently, telling her to shut her yap.

"Fine, I'll talk about it later-oh!" She pouted, fixating her gaze back into his intense violet orbs.

"Good girl," He nodded, dipping his thumb into a jar of Nutella and stuck the tip of his finger between her lips, "Suck."

She did what she was told, twirling her tongue around his thumb. Hidan grinned proudly, "Good, you're gonna suck my cock like that later. With whipped cream."

Her face was burnt red by the thought. She hardly gave him blowjobs and to imagine the scene awaiting her was quite unbearable.

"I don't…" She shook her head, difficult to speak with his digit still in her mouth.

"You do and you will," Hidan stated sternly, "And I'm about to cum." He carelessly released himself inside of her and she gasped as her hips jerked up uncontrollably to her own orgasm. The jar of Nutella was the last victim to fall off the table.

"You shouldn't have," She muttered once he retreated his finger from her mouth, "I could get pregnant…"

"What's that, couldn't hear ya!" Hidan cackled, lifting her off the table, making her kneel to the ground as he sat himself down on a kitchen chair. He picked up the can of whipped cream from the floor and casually sprayed it over his still erect manhood. With no shame or shyness whatsoever. In fact, he had a proud look on his face like Himaru when he finished a painting!

She was on the ground, staring at him in awe. Dear god, how is this sexual scenario even possible? Well, she was quite conservative in bed and this? Whipped cream on his private parts? A little too over and flamboyant for her.

Hidan ignored her gaping and pointed at his cock with his index finger, "Suck! Like, lick off the whipped cream and stuff. I want to see your face smeared in white."

Her knitted brows frowned in distaste. 'White'? As in just the cream or something…else?

She blushed madly at her own dirty thought and licked her lips nervously, "I don't know if I can do this, Hidan-danna…it's so…foreign."

"My cock isn't a foreigner, it's been a pal of your pussy for quite a long time now, so give it a good blow!" He demanded impatiently.

"Well, 'it' is a foreigner to my mouth," She retorted dumbly, "I don't like to…you know, perform oral sex that much. You get excited and-"

"But you like it when I go down on you!" Hidan scolded, "Well lemme tell you what, my tongue and lips have been literally all over your body and so your lazy mouth won't die just by giving me a Jashin-damned blowjob! Don't be such a hypocrite and suck!"

A little taken aback by his words, she pursed her lips as she crawled a little closer to him.

Jeez, he was sure stubborn when it came to sex.

Slightly opening her mouth, she slowly slid his 'flavored' manhood in between her lips and began.

Hidan cracked a smile, patting her head, "Good, sweetcheeks. I promise I won't make you gag."

She glared up at him-as if saying, 'You always do'.

The silver-haired albino just rolled his eyes and pressed her head towards him, allowing her to take him entirely in.

* * *

Soon, he came.

"There you go! Good job!" Hidan exclaimed as if awarding a child. He wiped the 'white' stuff off her face with the back of his palm and gave her a good slap on the bottom.

She jumped at his action and mumbled, "Don't do that! That's very degrading!"

Hidan hopped on the table himself and grinned stupidly at her, "Sweetcheeks, I never said you couldn't spank my sexy ass. But I like it when you dig your fingernails into my hips when you're so fucking turned on…"

She slapped him on the bare thigh, "Don't talk dirty like that."

"That," He grabbed onto her wrist, pulling her towards him, "That was a good slap. Now, since I 'degraded' you with that spank, I allow you to ride me."

"No!" She shook her head, "I have to make lunch and clean the mess on the floor-oh!"

Before she could continue, he had pulled her onto the table above him and slammed her down onto his yet again erect manhood, "You like that, huh? Haha, told you no one can resist riding me!"

"You…" She bit her lip, the familiar feeling of sensuality of the position made her body unconsciously begin to grind down on him, their hips and loins meeting each other at each thrust, the slapping sound of skin erotically echoed in the kitchen.

"Good thing all the stuff already fell on the floor, huh?" Hidan commented, one of his hands squeezing her waist, making her groan.

"This is what, the second time you've rode me?" Hidan began to speak again; he recalled that whoever was on the bottom would be the one talking the most. When sweetcheeks was on top, she'd be bizarrely quiet and gaze at him intensely. Hahaha so weird.

"Sweetcheeks," He continued, "Hey, sweetcheeks?"

"Mmm?" Was all she could mumble from her pursed lips.

"You like being on top, don't cha, Sweetcheeks? You feel empowered?" He asked, mimicking how talkative she was while being fucked by him.

She closed her eyes and nodded, her eyes beginning to roll back.

Hidan wanted to pull a prank on her, just for kicks…without a notice, he spanked her on the ass, making a huge 'smack'! It caused her to inhale sharply and the next second she screamed.

Umm…the table crashed to the ground. Good thing she was on top so she wouldn't be covered in splinters.

"Oh my God," She gasped, quickly getting up, "Are you okay? I-I'm so sorry, are you hurt? Oh God, Hidan."

"I'm perfectly fine, don't talk about God, okay? Fucking pisses me off all the time." He groaned, getting up. She began picking out the wooden splinters on his arm, staring in awe as the tiny wound re-patch itself, repeating "Sorry" over and over again.

"It's okay," He stated impatiently, pulling her towards him and gave her a peck on the lips, "I'll be fine. I'll clean out the mess, only if you help me."

She smiled at him appreciatively. Out of nowhere, he dabbed a dot of Nutella's delicious chocolate spread onto her nose. She shrieked and giggled, the two of them starting a rated-R food fight on the messy kitchen floor. To be honest, they didn't need lunch. Their appetites were fulfilled. Sexual appetite, that is.

* * *

"Where's the dining table?" Himaru asked, running around the empty area of the kitchen.

"Erm, let's just say there was an earthquake." Hidan wickedly laughed.

"Oh, I know! You and mama were naked-wrestling and accidently broke the table. Haha!" Himaru clapped his hands, "That's okay, just make sure you don't break my bed!"

Kiyomi wished she could just vanish other than dying of embarrassment.

"We should try it on his bed next time," Hidan whispered shamelessly into her ear, earning himself a punch on the arm.

"That's a good slap," He winked at her, returning a spank on her perky bottom.

"Yay! Make Uncle Sasori make us a table! He was way cooler than Auntie Dei-Dei!" Himaru clapped his hands and smacked his father's butt.

"Hey, I told you not to touch my fucking ass, that's incest!" Hidan hollered and began chasing his son around the kitchen.

Kiyomi's lips couldn't help but curve up. She loved how dysfunctional this family was, hoping it would stay this way.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Haha, hoped you guys liked it. **

**Even though we know Kiyomi's wish didn't last long :(**

**I will be continuing this, but maybe not as frequent because I have been working on other potential fics as well as final exams.**

**(I'm still working on the epilogue too, but it's nothing exciting, unfortunately.)**

**Anyways, reviews would be great!**


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